Satire: Haslam senior Michael Plikowsky secures job at Plikowsky & Assoc.

The following content is satirical and fictional. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Michael Plikowsky, a supply chain major set to graduate in May, recently received a job offer from Plikowsky & Assoc. to serve as the assistant to the president. The role will officially begin in September following a three-month training period in Monaco with all expenses fully paid for by the company.

Plikowsky & Assoc. operates in over 20 states and ten countries around the world. Although Plikowsky plans to make trips to foreign offices in Melbourne, Australia and Prague, Czechia as part of his role, this position will mainly take place in the company’s global headquarters in Elizabeth, New Jersey.

“It is truly an honor to be chosen to work for the company,” Plikowsky said. “I have always admired Plikowsky & Assoc. as a company and am excited to enter a professional relationship with them.”

According to public records requested by the Daily Beacon, Plikowsky has a 2.7 GPA through seven semesters, just above the 2.5 required to matriculate in Haslam. Plikowsky says that the offer was by far the best he received.

“I spent a long time deliberating between the various offers I received, but Plikowsky & Assoc. offered the best package, both in terms of compensation and in terms of fit,” Plikowsky said.

When he is not abroad, expected roles for Plikowsky include making a daily trip to Starbucks for the company and signing any required documents for deliveries to the office. Plikowsky will also be required to attend Brooklyn Nets games in the company suite to maintain morale with his fellow employees. The position, which did not exist until this year, includes a starting yearly salary of $270,000.

“I am thrilled to have Michael working for my company,” Jacob Plikowsky, president of Plikowsky & Assoc., said. “Through our extensive interview process, I determined Michael was the best fit for our new position, which is crucial to the performance of our company.”

Jacob Plikowsky said he had a feeling Michael was the correct fit even before the interview.

“I had some prior experience meeting Michael, and I can speak to his work ethic and character,” Jacob Plikowsky said. “When I coached his flag football team in the fourth grade, he was always putting in extra work and dedication that the rest of the team was not. That determination has carried through his college career.”

According to his résumé, Michael Plikowsky did not participate in any extracurricular activities while at the University of Tennessee.

“I honestly found most organizations to be beneath me,” Plikowsky said. “Everyone in them cared about learning, whereas I just wanted to get my degree. Working hard and playing hard were my two concerns.”

No members of Plikowsky & Assoc. who are not family members of Michael Plikowsky responded to any requests for comment.

“I’m just proud of my son,” Joan Plikowsky, the mother of Michael, said. “He has worked so hard throughout his college career for this position and he deserves everything he has.”