On Dec. 5, the Washington Post released a story that sent the United States into a spiral. Just kidding, we were already in a spiral and you’d know that if you haven’t been living under a rock for the past year. But back to the Post, they reported that the Centers for Disease Control (better known as the CDC or that place where The Walking Dead starts) had been issued censors for seven particular words, which included current so-called ‘hot button’ words such as “evidence-based,” “transgender,” and “fetus.”
Some would call these words ‘essential to the function of a science based organization’ but the United States government evidentially thinks differently. The report has come into question and has been subject to hot debate as details emerge on the content of the report. The political nature of the ‘banned words’ combined with the topic of censorship in the United States have devolved the conversation into yet another partisan screaming match of ever-growing proportions. The end to the mess the United States is making for itself seems to be ever elusive, if it exists at all.
Media outlets across America have related the CDC censors to the Federal Communications Commission’s famous ‘seven dirty words’ that outline seven words that are widely considered to be offensive and indecent in written, auditory and visual media in the United States for mass consumption. Obviously, I can’t list them out here, but you have Google if you’re really interested in knowing, ya filthy animal.
In an attempt to ensure that our university is complying with federal and state direction, the Tennessee State Legislature and the owner of the Cleveland Browns has instructed the University of Tennessee at Knoxville to issue censorships, including banned words and phrases, that all facets of university media sources will be expected to follow, including here at The Daily Beacon.
The censored words and phrases are as follows, followed by their replacement terms, in their last opportunity to be printed before the changes go into effect on January 1st, 2018.
‘Butch Jones’ (Replaced by: ‘Immediate Regret’ or ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’)
‘Super Senior’ (Replaced by: ‘Fifth-Year Senior’ or ‘Death by Calculus’)
‘Academic Probation’ (Replaced by: ‘One Who Is Being Chewed Out By Parents’ or ‘DOA’)
‘Lane Kiffin’ (Replaced by: ‘That Loudmouth FAU Coach’)
‘Pledge SZN’ (Replaced by: ‘One Who Pays Money To Be Humiliated’)
‘Cuffing SZN’ (Replaced by: ‘Lonely’)
‘Research-Based’ (Replaced by: ‘Pilot/Flying J-Approved’)
These changes will be campus wide and will be expected to henceforth be followed by all members of the University. They will not, however, be implemented before early signing day so the University can collect as many high caliber football players for next season.
All information presented in this column is satire and not intended for consumption as fact. If you didn’t catch that, consider transferring to Alabama.
Grey Mangan is a freshman in political science and is confused with what to do with all this newfound free time over break. He can be contacted at email@example.com.
Columns of The Daily Beacon are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Beacon or the Beacon's editorial staff.