Welcome to Let’s Talk About It, the column where we answer questions posed by our readers regarding sex, sexuality, gender and related topics, brought to you by the student lead organization Sexual Empowerment and Awareness In Tennessee (SEAT).
This week’s question is: I’m having trouble orgasming with my new partner. Any advice?
Introducing a Toy - Own it!
Often, toys with a partner are only seen as gimmicks to “spice up” sex life, rather than being known as a staple to some in the bedroom. Many may feel ashamed at using a toy during sex with a partner, but it shows that you are open to exploration.
Not one size fits all, though, so it’s important to find a toy that’s right for the both of you. The Tor 2 is a vibrating ring that can fit over a penis or strap on and allows for sensation for both partners in a variety of different positions.
If you’re into any form of painplay (this can include spanking, biting, etc.), you may enjoy the Lovehoney Black Heart Riding Crop, which boasts a faux leather side and a smoother side as well.
Finally, if you are looking for something basic to start with instead, the Hitachi Magic Wand is a highly recommended toy that is good on your own or with a partner. The Hitachi has a high-speed vibration that is perfect for use when teasing a partner, or yourself!
If you are still curious about sex toys with a partner, here is a handy list of some of the most highly rated sex toys in 2019.
Sometimes, especially without exposure to sexual education, sex can become a bore with the same positions and movements. If you are having a difficult time orgasming in the bedroom, it may be nice to introduce different positions or suggest to your partner to try something new. Tell your partner to slide a finger (or two, or three) to penetrate you during oral, or try to switch who’s on top for a change.
There are dozens of sex positions to try, so don’t be shy! Sooner or later, you’ll find the position that you enjoy most. For further reading, check out this list of popular sex positions for powerful orgasms.
Communication is Key
If you find yourself shy in communicating with your partner as to what pleases you most, don’t be afraid. Many people are timid about telling their partner about kinks, fantasies and so on. If you can’t say it with your mouth, guide your partner with your hands or mouth!
Odds are that your partner has different sexual experiences than you do, so it can be important to communicate sensitive spots or places that aren’t fond of touch. Try to dissuade expectations for sex between you and your partner, as this can help you feel more empowered and confident during the action.
Sometimes anxiety or being overly self-conscious can get in the way of orgasming. Making sure the space you're having sex in is a space that's comfortable can help immensely.
There really is a benefit to taking the time to light candles, turn the lights down low and put on that sexy playlist you've always wanted to use.
Another thing you can try alone or with your partner is guided meditation. YouTube has plenty of ten-minute videos that can help get you grounded and out of your head.
Also, the only goal of sex is fun and mutual pleasure, which doesn't necessarily mean orgasming. If you both have had a fun time, don't worry about reaching an orgasm.
You may not get the orgasm you want the first time around, but keep going! The more you try to orgasm together with your partner, the easier it will become. Having an orgasm with a partner may seem like a distant goal in the moment, but it can be easier than you think with the right resources.
Do you have a question about sex, sexuality, or relationships? You can ask us to find you accurate and reliable information from experts by tweeting @SexWeekUT, direct messaging @Sexweekut on Facebook or submitting a question to our anonymous Google form.
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